Pieces of the puzzle
by Aranyvoros
Summary: Is it really the hard thing to find the way to each other? Or is being together the harder one? Kathryn and Chakotay. And collegaues and friends. Past, present, and future. Companionship, estrangement, friendship, loneliness, love, hate, death, life. Life. And the journey.
1. Simply

**Author's note:**

Unlike most of the JC stories, I don't want to write yet another story about how Kathryn and Chakotay find their way to each other and how they come together (it is only mentioned as a memory). I don't want to write a story where after the first kiss / declaration / night spent together, my story ends. I rather think that with those remarkable events, a story not ends but begins! And with coming together, the rest is not a rosy dream where everything's going to be alright, but a new situation, needing to adapt to, with its own joys and sorrows, support and difficulties. Which is at least as intriguing to follow like its premise… That's why my plot takes place in an already committed relationship and well practiced intimacy between our command team, long after the 'dust of collision' settled. What I want to find out, how this situation changes their reaction to some canon (or non-canon) events … I want to see how their bond works.

This is the very first story (of any kind) I've ever written. More, English is not my native tongue so be kind! Comments are highly appreciated!

For those who favorited and are following my story: I apologise for the delay in updating it, but a serious writing block and real life intervened. Now here you are the next chapter.

**Thanks:**

To Shari, my one and only trekkie friend. Without her encouragement, I wouldn't have even begun to write down my thoughts about Voyager and her crew, for to publish it - more, in English! She did the beta reading, but I've fiddled it with since, so all mistakes are mine. Thank you my dear!

To KJaneway115 for the "Friends" beta and for her encouragement. Thank you!

To you all. I've been reading your stories for many years now, and apart from endless hours of fun, I've learnt a great deal English from you. Thank you. This is my present for you.

**Disclaimer:** the usual. Star Trek: Voyager and its characters are not mine, and I do this for fun, not for profit.

**Simply**

„I love you not for whom you are,  
but who I am when I'm by your side.„ Gabriel García Márquez

Chakotay

I love her. But it's more than that: she is the meaning of my life. It may sound pathetic but that's the simple truth. It has never been an easy task; not with our complicated nature, and not with our precarious and somehow absurd existence here. Neither makes it our lives easier: true, our special bond mostly helps to overcome the difficulties we face together, but there are times when it complicates our situation… We face it and assume it the way it is – and it has truly given us the meaning of peace.

Of course we've known that it won't be easy – we are not so young and naïve as we used to be, and we both have our experiences and scarrings in our bags. Still, it has been given to us… this feeling of _home_. The road is bumpy and we are far from the ideal circumstances both of us would glady found a family in, but … we do the best we can.

I remember when she came to me … there were no momentous events, there was no nearly-loosing-the-other situation like so many,_too many_ times before. There was no making-up after a heated argument, nor romantic ambiance after a relaxing dinner together, no fanfares and firework… she just came to me. Simply.

Her eyes were clear and bright; her look brave and honest. Their depths were full of everything she had for me. I'd seen this gaze only once before – a long time ago in a hidden paradise of the Delta Quadrant … _this_ was Kathryn. Spirits! just the memory of it cuts deep in me… then, our fate made yet another somersault, and I've given up to see _that_ look again. To see _her_. _Really_ her. I And now, after all these years: here she is, in front of me, without any mask and pretense, looking expectantly up to me with the same telling, smoky blue eyes…

She just came over to my quarters that silent night, and when I let her in and our gazes locked, it was… it was… I'm not sure I can find a word in any language that could describe it. We couldn't either – no words were spoken. No romantic declarations, no great words or 'always and forever' vows… we already knew all that. We had for a long time. Time to come home. To each other. Simply.

I had fought against that, though. After New Earth … no, after seeing her unwavering resolve to keep things like they were before our exile, I did not want to love her any more. I did everything – consciously and unconciously – to tear her out of my heart, to move on; but I've had no power over the bond we shared, no matter what I tried. It has been always something beyond us, beyond our influence – but it took time to accept that. Oh how I hated it! how I hated _her_ – it hurts to admit it, but that's the truth – I hated her for doing this to me, for making me feel helpless… Still, I loved her for the person I'd become beside her, I loved her for what she'd given to me and to my life. _Meaning_.

Then, there was a point when I gave up the fight. I think that was when she laid in my arms, dead, on that rocky planet … all the fights and complications, it didn't matter anymore. I just accepted my feelings for her. And I didn't want to – and wasn't able to – hide it any more… I have learned to live with the fact I love her, no matter what. Simply.

Of course I knew she loves me, too. I always have.

And she told me each and every day – not with words but in so many other ways: with an unguarded sparkling glance, with a brief, but unexpectedly tender touch of her palm on my chest, with a bright smile of _Kathryn_ flashing out from behind the Captain's mask every now and then, with her misty, velvety voice reserved only for me… I don't think she has been aware of them – but she knew that I knew. And I don't think she's had the slightest idea of what those little gestures of hers do to me… Dammit, it was really hard sometimes to keep my composure, and not to launch forward to grab her and make love to her with everything I am... But in the end, I've always gathered enough strength to keep 'the parameters'. For her.

Oh, it is not so heroic to do so as it seems to be. In a way, those little jewels of everyday rather made it easier; they helped to keep my sanity and bear the weight of the certainity that while onboard Voyager, nothing can come out of us. Because in this way, there was still an 'us'. Simply.

But then, one night, she was standing in my quarters, still in uniform but without her jacket – like her visit came out of a sudden decision –, with a stare so open like she were standing completely naked in front of me. In a sense, she was. Her soul was. She knew I know her, she knew I would understand. And I did. This time, I did launched forward, nothing to hold me back anymore, claiming her soft, fine lips with mine, pressing her petite, pliant, warm, beautiful body to mine, drowning with each and every one of my senses in her scents, aromas, tastes, colors, flavors and fragrances.

She was delicious.

And she was deliciously unhibited – just like I always knew she would be. It was actually coming home, and rediscovering things you've believed to know, yet so new and intriguing they are in the new light. I had years to observe the way each of her muscles move; the subtle changes of her soft skin's teint in different places from the dense dusk of freckles to the translucent white, the way her thin nails glint in the light while her long, slender, delicate fingers go in their way of exploring, the way each silky hair caresses my palm while slipping through my fingers like a copper river... I've already known how that feels. I never forgot. Yes, I even recognised the sweet aroma of her arousal... I recognised with amazement the message I've got for... Spirits, for all the times I've known her. I was lost.

The realisation she would let me take her in my bed and in my life, let me love her at last and offer everything, _everything_ to me, generously and by her free will, almost made me crazy. I wanted to treat her with reverence; reverence what I've always felt when I admired her mysterious female power over men, amazed by the elegant, almost royal grace of her glowing feminity in what she was so much more than any other beautiful women in this world… I wanted to offer her the _freedom_ that night; the freedom to be a Woman. Simply.

But I lost control after a while … and I relished in being allowed to do so. After so many years of restraint, the primal in me got the better of my intentions; and in the end, the only thing I wanted, badly, was to make her mine, to mark her as my mate, forever. And I did. Simply.

Later that night, I found her sitting on my sofa, in her characteristic posture, gazing out to the stars. Can you think of your commanding officer, a respected Starfleet Captain that she is _endearing_ when she is wearing your used tee of the day before, twice her size – and nothing else?

Although I know her enough to know when she makes up her mind to something, it is definitive, however… after so many years, this woman still can be an enigma. Her very (naked) presence in my quarters is a living proof of that. So I felt compelled to ask – after I settled behind her on the cushions and pulling her close – if she regretted it.

Kathryn turned to face me. "No! No, I don't." Then she smiled at me – yes, that little crooked one – and cupped my face. "I do have some regrets about us - but let me assure you, this was probably the wisest thing I've done in this godforsaken quadrant. I don't think either of us has to prove anything yet, neither after so many years together, nor after tonight… You know, I'm still tingling everywhere -" her smile widened to a mischievous grin. "It seems I should have come to you sooner, asking about 'mating behaviour'… now that's what I'm really regretful about!"

I laughed out loud, remembering that scene on the bridge ages ago. Only Kathryn could have the courage to flirt wih me this outrageously in front of the whole bridge crew! Spirits - she had no idea how damned close she'd came to drive me crazy with desire then…or maybe she had. Not that she would have needed any explanation in the matter, after what I experienced with her tonight… the woman knows what she's doing, no doubt about that.

After a light kiss on my lips, she turned and nestled back in my arms, looking out again to her beloved stars. Then, slowly but surely, words began to roll down of her lips like pearls; words so open and shameless that I hardly dared to breath, for fear of stopping them. She told me how she had suddenly come to decision; that it was like an unexpected revelation and … I don't know if she had ever been so honest with herself. I just listened to her. I let her bare her soul to me and free herself of years – dare I say, decades – of self-constraint. Then she tried to apologise, saying how egoistic and short-sighted it was for her to see only her goal and by sacrifying her happiness for the sake of the crew, she sacrified mine as well. She said that her incapacity to face her feelings and her fear, her self-punishment was the real reason for the many … troubles … we had between us. But at this point I stopped her because that's not how I've seen things – and her. She is anything but selfish: the most devoted leader I've ever known. Yes, she has always put the crews needs before her own, to the point of completely ignoring the latter, and she has sacrified already so many things for us. But I've been content for the opportunity of living my life beside her, the closeness she allows me – only me -, and her many subtle ways of letting me know how deeply she cares. It was more than anything I've got since...I don't even know. I meant it when I assured her, looking deeply in her eyes: "I wouldn't change anything in our history".

Then it was my turn to confess. We had a long, freeing, purifying talk that night – about 'me' and 'you', about us and them, about mistakes and regrets, about accusations and lies, about gratitude and respect, about trust and care, about duty and belonging, about loyalty and disappointment, about past, present, and future – and in the end, she just stared at me with tearful eyes. She said she doesn't deserve me, but when I started to protest, she silenced me with a long, loving kiss that made me reel… Then she made love to me, right then and there, on my sofa - slowly and thoroughly, with so much tenderness... and passion. Such a passion, what made me feel like floating - and I opened myself to her, like I never did to anyone in my life. Simply.

Oh how I'd need that simplicity right now…

Kathryn

I love him. But it's more than that - I'm his. Simply.

I could argue, I could cite regulation – which, true, does not forbid _explicitly_ a relationship of romantic nature between superior officer and subordinate. I could refer to Starfleet protocol – which, indeed, discourages it -, but whatever I do or not do, say or not say, avoid or face, in the end, remains the simple truth: I belong to him.

It is momentous – in the same time, downright scary – to be part of such a force, beyond human comprehension. Nothing ever had such a power over me as this bond has – and nobody ever had such a power over me as he has. Frankly, it was quite an unsettling feeling for me – until I learned to trust him so fully as I do now. For Kathryn Janeway, you know, it's a slow process to trust somebody… maybe too slow. So much time we have wasted… _I_ have wasted. Not only with him, but with the crew as well. In hindsight, I can see now that my earlier isolation was a wrong choice – here, in the Delta Quadrant, we _need_ each other because we have only each other. Simply.

Everyone knows I am not a spiritual person. But if anything, my relationship with Chakotay has served as a good lesson to me: sometimes the essence of things are far beyond the measurable data. And as strange as it sounds: it is freeing. With him, I don't have to know all the answers anymore – I don't have to be perfect anymore. I can be just myself. _Kathryn_. Simply.

I'd always chosen the rocky road – our presence here in the Delta Quadrant is a sharp reminder of my bad habit. But he made me change my perspective; he taught me how to see things differently.

This is the life we all are destined to live on board of this vessel. We live each and every single day of our incredible lives with the possibility that this might be the last one we are spending together, or alive. We try to hold on a life as normal as it can be on a lonely starship lost in an unknown territory, but sometimes events weigh on us too much, turning us against each other. Paradoxally, those conflicts often come of our most inner fear of losing each other. We miss our loved ones who we left behind on the Alpha Quadrant – living or dead -, sometimes terribly, and sometimes we commit errors, we make wrong decisions and we hurt each other. _But in the end, we are still there for each other._ And that's the only certainty we can count on in this mess of a life we are living. It is, after all, so simple.

That was the point when I knew. I knew I can do it. Just like many other women could do it in history: have a whole life – with a job, mission, love, and family in it. Chakotay also taught me to find balance between Kathryn and the Captain, find peace with every part of my being and now I am as proud to be a woman, a mate, a mother, a friend, than to be a Captain. My life is whole: right here, right now, on Voyager, in the Delta Quadrant – the place I'm meant to be.

I remember when we decided - well, _I_ _decided_ - to give in to the connection Chakotay and I always shared. I'm in wonder at how simple it was, after all: suddenly, how clearly I could see us. We love each other. We've done so for a long time. We've had a strong and complex bond between us. It has been there from the very beginning, and even after enduring many storms, arguments and conflicts, it still survived. It has changed, though – flowed and ebbed, warmed and burned, supported and stumbled; twisted, matured, anchored, bulversed, scarred and healed, gave strenght and made vulnerable, has been changed in color and taste with time – but endured. Through so many ordeals, nothing could harm it, and we know deep inside, nothing will, ever.

Actually, we've been in a committed relationship already for a long while. Even without acknowledging it. We've already learnt to handle it during the years within the context of our professional relationship and command structure, as best as we could. And no matter if we admit it or not, act on it or not, it will be there anyway. Simply.

But we know well, by those years of experience, what can happen if we try to ignore the bond, in a futile attempt of get rid of it: anger, pain, cruel words, estrangement… no people could hurt each other so much and no people could make each other so unhappy like we did. And that's not what we need – not what the crew needs. Not a frustrated, conflicting command team. And not leaders of our community who slowly but surely drive each other crazy.

For years, I'd thought that I have to sacrifice my own happiness to serve my crew better as their Captain. That a romantic relationship would only complicate our – already enough complicated – situation here. What a stupid assumption it was... did I _really_ think if I denied my feelings then they would just go away? Or if I pretended not to feel what I feel, then the apparence would convince everybody – especially _him_ - of the opposite of what they all know better? Who was I kidding? And how many time had I left in living in a lie, actually? Before Kathryn would fade completely and would be lost forever for the Captain – taking the latter physically with her soon enough...?

But I paid my due for that and I learned my lesson. Those years' experiences made me understand the real truth: the crew needs my emotional equilibrium in order to survive as much as I do myself. They depend on me on every level. Simply.

That night, our first night in each others' arms, the fulfillment of our love was not our lovemaking. It was a step – however a significant one - to our full union which has been completed by the open words we offered to each other afterwards as a token of love and trust – a discussion brutally honest: the first real one since the day we met.

And on the coach in Chakotays quarters, our battered, weary souls finally found home. Without the pasts illusions, but rejoicing in the safe respite of our old, newfound intimacy.

And despite all the precariousness that is our life here, for the very first time I'm at peace with my destiny. I've never been aware of that: I had never recognised before that the Woman Warrior struggles with herself as much as her Angry Warrior did, and she needs to learn the true meaning of peace as much as he needed to do so. And although I have still a lot of difficulty forgiving myself when I don't fulfill any of my roles as I expect from myself, either as Captain, as friend, or as mate and mother, it helps when I see Chakotay doing so, when I see our crew doing so.

And that's what I'm needing right now… the forgiveness.


	2. Friends

Chapter I

Friends

B'Elanna

I don't know what made me act. But I did. I went to her – to talk about her private life, of all things. She and I were even not friends. But the feeling I could, I _should _do something for her, this time, was overhelming. She'd come to me several times before, offering her friendship and support in dire situations - where often I had gotten myself into, by the way -, even when I arrogantly refused it, bristling, scoffing at her. Still, she was there for me, with me, with a steadfast and calm presence.

Funny thing, I actually hated her at the beginning... Yeah, above all because she was _Starfleet, so much_ Starfleet – and she still is. But even after donning the uniform myself and – finally – having resigned to playing the game by her rules, I failed to look and see that there is _someone _behind 'the Captain'. I didn't care the least bit about her – that was fully Chakotay's responsibility, wasn't it? – and I took her for granted like she would have been just another piece of machinery, part of the ship. In a way, we all did.

Well...to be honest, there was more in my case: I _avoided_ her. And I have now a fair idea why: I've sensed how much she and I are alike... It maddened me sometimes seeing her doing things in a certain way, knowing it's wrong but also knowing that in her place, I would do exactly the same... Of course I didn't like to be reminded of flaws and errors I don't like in myself – who does?

Though Janeway and I came from very different directions, with very different backgrounds, motivated by very different ideas – still, all our differences finally led us to behave in an awfully similar way regarding people who cared about us... My temper and her position (or rather her _interpretation_ of the position) made us keep them at arm's length, never letting them closer. I didn't allow anyone to love me... nor let myself love anyone - just like she didn't.

But I didn't realize that at that time – didn't understand Kathryn Janeway. (Not that I'd tried, anyway...) And although I believed I knew my former boss pretty well, I didn't understand what Chakotay could see in her. During the first weeks, months, I often wondered if it would have been possible to put two persons together who would be more opposite to each other, working side by side everyday like those two were. „Kahless, they are going to drive each other crazy!" – I was sure of it. Especially when I saw Chakotay storming somewhere – well away from the captain – with a pratctically visibly seething head, ready to explode, would somebody stupid enough to come near. I knew well this mood of his - I've witnessed it many times before… and the consequences of it, too. So, those times I did worried about the big guy, vowing to myself if Janeway hurt him in any way, she would know the force of my true loyalty... Well, yeah. You know, it took some time to forgive Starfleet... I'm not sure I'm done with it by now; even after all these years in its uniform.

But Chakotay surprised me again. He did saw something in Kathryn Janeway, that much was glaringly evident, even before he realized it for himself. Although he tried to hide it for a short while – from her above all, from us, maybe from himself, too -, but soon... I suppose he didn't care anymore about all that pretense. To the confusion of all those who had known him for a long time, this reserved and contrary guy became an open book when it came to our captain. Except for Tuvok, Chakotay was the only one on this ship who had the honor to cast a glance at the person under that shell of captaincy. And he was enthralled by what – or rather by whom - he'd seen; by that misterious, seemingly petite and fragile but so powerful and larger-than-life woman he found there, early in our journey.

In hindsight, it was quite obvious how quickly they connected with each other, on every level. Still, it was not love at the beginning. Not yet. It was something I can't put a name on, a special bond which has served as a base to everything else built on it between them. It was not the love of the first sight pictured in mushy romantic Earth novels, but rather a gradually developing, solidly constructed partnership, slowly but unstoppably growing into something more.

And everybody knew. Even Seska knew: I'm quite sure her hatred towards Janeway rooted partially in pure jealousy. She witnessed how all Chakotay's interests turned entirely towards the Captain, and only her, within a matter of weeks after our arrival in the Delta Quadrant. And Seska has lost all her power and influence over him. The only thing left for her to use was his old-fashioned chivalry with which he felt he owed her and the memory of their former liaison.

Chakotay.

My old friend. Extremely private and extremely proud. He joined Starfleet _against _his father's will. He joined the Maquis to protest _against _Federation's attitude to colonists. He always seemed to know well what he _didn't _want but hadn't really thought about what he _did_ want – and it had driven him slowly crazy with rage and bitterness. He was unsettled and angry – a passionate man whose passion put up a dark tone of anger and menace. His path was clear to self-destruction, sooner or later – but as things were for the Maquis cornered between two powerful enemies, it would have been sooner.

Until Voyager.

Until Kathryn.

And for the very first time of his life, by her side, he'd learned to live and fight _for _something - he found what he _did_ want in life. As strange as it sounds, life on Voyager and with it, Kathryn, came into his life at just the right moment. She was sent to capture him. And she indeed did – in many senses. And I am deeply grateful to her for that. She saved him.

Tom

He saved her. I don't mean the many occasions here in the Delta Quadrant when Chakotay pulled her out of some really thick mess. But he saved her.

Early in our journey she didn't really find the comfortable distance between herself and us. I saw her trying: once she came down to beat me in pool and have a beer with us, other times we practically never saw her, because she spent all her free time enclosed in her quarters - alone.

As time went on, and the weight of responsibility kept burdening her relentlessly, without a single moment of respite, she slowly but surely drifted away from us. And with that, the Kathryn we just started to know and really, really like, faded away, too.

And we missed her. Missed her humor, her sarcastic quips and snaps dropped here and there that made people burst out in laughter – or left them in embarrassed shock, actually. We missed her easy banter with Chakotay, even the open flirting she dared to play – even in public – with him, seemingly unaware of just how deep the ignited fire really ran under the surface...

But the laughter gradually died away, and that genuine, bright smile of hers that was able to light up a room and put everyone around at ease, appeared less and less, and far-between. That woman was once full of life– and that life literally ebbed out of her in front of our eyes. _Kathryn _was dying. And with her, there was something else, inexplicable, but very important to all of us, something like a warp core to our hodge-podge community of _Voyagers_, that was on the way to shutting down as well.

I don't know when exactly it happened. Something definitely did – but it was so subtle that some time had passed until we realized the change. During the years of the betting pool, I'd hoped to cacth them kissing somewhere in a forgotten corner of Voyager, or on a particularly relaxing shore leave on a nice planet, or leaving together from one of their quarters in the morning - seeing it in their eyes the day after the night before, actually looking forward to the opportunity to tease them about it until embarrassment. I've even developed strategies to coax the proverbial cat out of the bag. (Was it childish? Maybe. Probably. I think I needed to see them react like mortal people would do; to remind myself that they, too, are humans, after all... we all owe them not to forget this particular tiny detail.) We expected it to happen after every single ordeal when they come close – _too_ close – to losing each other, and we hoped that this time, they would finally come to their senses and do the right thing. But it never happened. And we slowly let go of the hope it ever would...

Then, when it did, it did despite of all our preconceptions, in a way none of us thought. Everybody watched the scene unfolding before us with amazement and deep, deep respect.

Kathryn and Chakotay.

They live for their crew, their family – for us. They put everything on hold, _everything _that is really important in life - for us. They buried all their dreams and desires, they practically didn't existed apart their uniforms of captain and commander - for us. But they are human. Like us. They need more, they deserve more, oh boy how they do... And as far as I'm concerned, I'll do everything within my power to assure them this respite of privacy, to try to pay them back a tiny fragment of what they've done over the years, for us. For me. Kathryn and Chakotay gave me back my life, and more - they gave me everything I even didn't care to think of anymore: the chance to prove myself, the mission that fulfills me, the trust and acceptance that I didn't give to myself, the love of my life, and a family. And they taught us dignity. I know she'd always been afraid of this before; that admitting her love for him and along with it, admitting her humanity to us, would cause her to loose dignity.

She was wrong.

In fact, she gained from it. What they both transpired, was a lesson to all of us. After so many idle flings with passing aliens, after so many unnecessary quarrels between them, they showed us the example. Again.

We owe so much thanks to them. They have protected me, us, for so long – it's my turn now to protect them. And heaven help me, I will.

Now, it's time to act.


End file.
